#17 Blistered tits and toes: Marathon training

Over the weekend, I ran a half marathon as part of my marathon training. Training for a marathon would suggest that I’m actually doing a marathon. So why in hell, am I doing a marathon, you may be wandering. That’s a very fair question, because now as I sit here writing this, with a blistered left boob, only 1.5 pinky toes left, and an incapacity to walk like I haven’t shat myself, I have realised that signing up to run 26.2 miles – even PAYING (about £40) – is quite a huge mistake to make in life.

Anyway, during the half-marathon, my period decided to get heavy – I mean, why wouldn’t it? I expected it nothing less of Mother Nature to come at the most inconvenient time. I’ll see her again when my actual marathon comes around, no doubt. So about 1,000 people (some runners when they were behind me on a hill, mostly spectators) could see that it was my time of the month, including my dad (he did the run a whole hour ahead of me the speedy shit). The blood dried between my legs, yummy I know. For the last 6 miles, every step I took was an additional rub against the huge holes I now have in my inner thighs (chafing).

You’ve got to be on steroids to run it this fast.

Another yummy mistake you’ll love to know about is the fact that I chose pasta with fiery pesto to eat the night before, of all dinners!! My pathetic little digestive system couldn’t handle this, so I basically had the shits the next morning, 2 hours before I was due to begin a 13 mile run. Thankfully, Imodium worked its magic and blocked all possible poops from exiting me for the next 3-5 working days. Ironically, although I managed to contain the pesto, I now walk as if I’ve shat my pants, because my legs ache so badly.

The slight flaw in consuming 3 Imodium tablets (you’re supposed to take 2, I panicked) is that I now can’t perform the wonderful activity that is, excretion. I’ve tried max strength Senokot and orange juice (recommended by my boyfriends parents, not the most comfortable conversation I’ve ever had with them but life goes on). I’ve tried the same pesto that did me dirty (literally dirty) in the first place, pears, 2 cans of baked beans, but not even a hint of a dump has presented itself. Lesson learnt: Imodium is some powerful shit. Do not exceed the recommended dose.

The King of all pesto variants.

If you assumed that my period, blisters and constipation weren’t the end of my problems, you’d be annoyingly correct. One particular blister on my left breasticle is rather unfortunately located on the under side of it, therefore out of my sight. It’s also the fattest one of them all. But I didn’t notice it at first, due to being distracted by the several other pains I was experiencing.

The moment I did finally notice it, was when I was finally home, soaking in the bath, spreading Lush’s ‘Ocean Salt Face And Body Scrub’ over it. The pain felt like I was getting my nipple pierced again, except this time my ‘nipple’ was worryingly not where one would usually find a nipple. I plunged that bosom straight under the water, almost as if it was no longer attached to my chest – call me a pussy but the pain I was feeling from that bastard Ocean Salt didn’t feel too far away from a knife just chopping the whole thing off.

At least my titties smell like lime, coconut, grapefruit and sea salt now.

The one body part I wouldn’t actually mind having chopped off would be my knees. They feel like someone who seriously needs anger management has taken a hammer to them. But who needs knees anyway?

So, was all the pain at least worth the experience? Well, considering I got overtaken by:

  • Two men dressed as robots, like full on thick plastic and head gear
  • About 200 men and women aged 80+, like proper in their wrinkly stage
  • 3 guys from the army carrying very heavy backpacks on their back

I’d say no, it wasn’t worth it. And I came 2350th out of 2632 people. Yikes.

Published by georginatait6

Hello. I am a bored university student with way too much time to waste. In order to have something to whack onto my CV, I write for the uni newspaper. The articles have to be written in a formal manner, so this is my platform to rewrite my articles with the correct amount of sass that they originally deserved.

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