When my sister first learnt to snowboard, she was always too scared to do a turn. So, 1560m above ground level in the snowy mountains, every time I saw her hesitate, I’d scream, “YOU’RE A BOSS BITCH!” I got some strange looks from the French geezas, but it worked. She believed me and she turned. She now has a higher top speed than me so I’m kinda mad.
One of my mugs says ‘Queen Of Fucking Everything’. Every time I have un chocolat chaud (which is daily at the moment), I am reminded of who I am.
I listen to Beyoncé at least once a week. As I’ve previously said, I turn up to most lectures looking like a pure heroin addict – I dress to impress myself and myself only. That’s confidence.
I have a slightly wonky jaw, as pointed out by my orthodontist (fuck you, Sarah). If I eat anything that weighs more than a pea, my stomach bloats like a 15-year-old’s penis watching a ladies-only yoga class. I have an ugly scar on my leg from accidentally back-flipping off a bed and slamming into a radiator. I have ears the size of an adult elephant. I could continue for 26 more blog posts about my multiple insecurities, but I don’t want to make it too easy for my haters.
But this is about body positivity, so whilst I list the things I do like about myself, I invite you to tell yourself how peng you are.
- My eyebrows are pretty bomb
- I have dench calves
- My hair is actually healthy at the moment
- I have a good pair of tits
- My right ankle is cool because I have an elephant tattoo
- My skin has always been clear
- I can hold a forearm handstand, the splits, and somersault in several directions on a trampoline
- My eyes are a cool browny-green colour
- I have really nice hands (apparently)
- My mumma says I’m pretty and she’s usually right
- My boyfriend says I have a nice butt
So next time you’re stood in the mirror, squeezing your rolls, popping your spots, covering your face with make-up, squeezing into shape-wear, and just unable to get that bomb ass selfie you were hoping for, remember that most of us are also in the same boat. You need to worry about the important things, like how many sausage rolls you can fit into your mouth, rather than how many rolls you have down below. Live your life like my gerbil does: eat and sleep whenever and however the f*ck you want.