In the current social media-infested climate, girls like me are expected to live up to some exhausting standards. I definitely conform to some of it, but some of the other rules can suck my titties.
Let’s start with Instagram – if you don’t have more than 500 followers these days, who the fuck even are you? Today is the 24th of Feb and I currently have 399 followers. I’m pretty impressed with that, considering I’m pretty sure I don’t know 399 people. But then again, I feel ashamed that I even feel pride in that useless number. It doesn’t mean shit? I use Instagram to update my friends on my wild shenanigans, so I couldn’t care less about how many jake_smith3’s see my post of the chicks I used to have or not.
At school, I was the only one without that app that told you who had unfollowed you and stuff. I didn’t understand it – if someone unfollows me, cool, your loss mate. I probably won’t even notice, and it certainly doesn’t mean I’ll unfollow you back, because if I wanna see how good your tits look in your new top, then I’m gonna keep following you hun. The obsession with a good caption also confuzzled me. I mean, some of my captions are pretty solid anyway, but if I’m not in a creative mood, I’m not afraid to just put the classic red heart emoji.
And then there’s keeping up with fashion. Yikes. I remember looking around my classroom in Year 7, trying to find a girl with short hair. There was none, because that’s not cool, duh? I had a BOB hair cut thanks to my mum, something I will never forgive her for. But did dumb ass little me realise this wasn’t the trend? No. And of course it took yonks to fix this issue because growing hair is a slow process.
In terms of actual clothing, I’ve always been a bit behind. I *think* big puffy coats and hair clips are in fashion at the moment. Let me know if they aren’t. I haven’t got any, cba. When ripped jeans were the shit, I didn’t realise until they had calmed down again. When mom jeans were on the rise, I didn’t find any that didn’t make me look like I was wearing a nappy until, well, never. They still give me a nappy vibe. I turn up to lectures in the same shit everyday – black leggings, white trainers and a black coat. I rotate the same 4 pairs of black leggings. Of course I wear actual tops under my coat. But the leggings and coat is all that my course mates see – they must think I have no sense of fashion. I promise I look cool on nights out guys!! I just don’t bother for a lecture. I dress to impress myself and no one else.
Only a few weeks ago did I realise that wearing colour in the gym is not cool either, apparently? Unless everyone in Broad Street Puregym is slightly emo, I was the only one wearing a neon yellow running top in a gym class. How embarrassing. My drawer is filled with the atrocious things because I need them for running in the dark. Time for me to get some dark coloured gym attire I guess, because I don’t wanna be the centre of attention in a gym class.
After finally growing out my hair to a ‘normal’ length, the shorter length came to be on trend of course. Skip ahead to when I’m about 15 and everyone is wearing make-up apart from me. Mascara? Ok easy just slap that on. Nope, you gotta curl them lashes and apply fake lashes over the top as if that’s not the most impossible task ever. Eyebrows? Easy peasy lemon squeezy, just colour it in subtly. Nope, you gotta shape them, shade them, draw a line under them, brush them, then put another white-ish line of foundation stuff under them to bring them out. Lipstick? Slap that on too. Nope, there’s lip liner and you gotta combine like 45 different shades just to match your outfit. Fuck off.
Bronzer? Highlighter? You’ve lost me now. I swear those things go in the same places on your face. And the bronzer never blends in so I just have brown lines on my nose!! Most eye shadow colours make me look like I’ve squeezed beetroot juice in my eyes (when I apply it anyway). I just stick with the same basic 3 shades. And eyeliner HAHA that is a fucking art and I am not an artist. It’s like drawing a straight line without a ruler. IMPOSSIBLE.
The only thing I do know about make-up is this: if you can apply mascara without opening your mouth like a dumb ass fish, you are a psychopath. I say this, because I can in fact apply mascara without my mouth even slightly needing to reveal my pearly whites. Well, they’re actually pearly yellows – I drink a lot of green tea. I guess that’s another standard I should conform to. Jokes, I don’t have £200 for teeth whitening.